Stuff I Like

Dogs and cats. Fuck choosing, they are both  primarily made of  awesome.

Wal Mart. There’s about an eighty five percent chance that they have whatever it is I want at any given time.

Good looking women. I’m not that picky – anything above a six and I’m in love. Just talking to them makes me feel better.

Music. Okay, only some of it, but if I didn’t have my music I’d probably be dead. Literally.

Pants. I’d be so fucking cold right now if I wasn’t wearing pants!

Adrenaline. “GodDAMN I am all kinds of tired. I could jus- HOLY SHIT THAT CAR ALMOST HIT US!” /me is awake and alert for a solid three hours.

Good books. Add unobtrusive music to the background and I can ignore everything ever.

Video games. Real life is pretty boring sometimes, but Mario’s life is fucking amazing all the time.

Sleep. ESPECIALLY with a cuddle partner. No explanation necessary.

StumbleUpon. What the Hell else would I do at four in the morning?!

Psychoactive chemicals. Feeling down? Not if this loaded bowl has anything to say about it! Or, you know, green tea or whatever legal bullshit you prefer to be addicted to.

Food. I’ve always loved food, and it’s actually starting to show.

Good body shape. I’m not sure if I love this more than food just yet. Still working that one out…

The internet. Fuck yeah.

Premarital sex. If God really has such a problem with the best activity ever, which is only so much fun because HE FUCKING MADE IT THAT WAY, then I’m not sure I want to live in his house…

God. Please don’t kill me or punish me for all of eternity due to that last statement. I’ll sacrifice a goat, or whatever Leviticus has laid out for this situation, if I have to.

Conservatives. They’re all so stupid, it’s hilarious. They also tend to be the easiest to offend.

Offending people. If you can’t take a joke about it, you haven’t really accepted it as fact. I know my mother’s dead, and I’m okay with that now. Make jokes about it, I don’t care. If I got offended you would know I was still struggling with it. This applies universally. If you can’t take a joke about your religion, it’s because you don’t really believe in it.

Turning humorous, pointless lists into philosophical arguments. Seriously, that wasn’t intentional. This always happens to me. It’s like a disease. Or… Or an addiction. I just can’t stop…

Ending addictions, just to see if I can. Kind of like

Real Life Super Heroes, Volume The First!

OR: Why Ronald Duhan is a badass.

This man once backhanded my mother so hard she flipped  backwards over a couch. Before you pussies start crying about beating children, know that she had recently lied to him about her plans for the night so she could go do coke with a friend. Also know that when I say “coke’ I’m not talking about fucking soda – I mean cocaine, that terrible white powder that is only SLIGHTLY less dangerous than Anthrax. Bet she stopped talking shit after that one.

This crazy bastard was in Vietnam too, and you better believe he didn’t shoot any goddamned kids! In fact, he was so feared by the natives, they wouldn’t even shoot at him. He refused to go home without a bullet in him though, so one of his friends shot him in the spine one day while marching to the mess hall. He walked that shit off though, ‘cause a little lead in the spinal column never hurt anybody. I used to tell people he got shot in the back while clinging to a helicopter's landing equipment after a covert operation, but nobody ever believed it because it didn’t sound badass enough for him.

Oh, did I mention that he’s a pimp? His family nickname is G-Pimpin, and no, that’s not  irony. He brings home strippers like nobody's business. At one point he was dating two of them. They were both named Kimberly, because how the fuck else was he supposed to remember their names?!

He’s also had cancer a few times (he doesn’t keep count). The first time he quit smoking for a little bit, but he got bored and started up again. The second time he smoked through Chemo, because fuck cancer.

BEST GRANDPA EVER. Happy Father’s Day, you crazy old man you.